Sunday, 24 July 2011

countdown 29: my fears

The countdown to my 30th birthday continues.

Day 29 - my fears

I spent less than an hour today with my toddler in the mall playground for kids. He was so excited to try everything, from the slide to the hanging tube. He was a bit cautious when walking through the hanging bridge but he marched on. He took some time before crossing the tube but he crawled on. Mommy had no choice but to follow suit. And to be honest, I was afraid of crawling through the hanging tube (what if it gives out under my weight?) and trying the kiddie slide (what if I fumble and fall face down). Silly but the fears were real. Most of all, I was afraid my son would get hurt as the zealous kids pushed everything and everyone out of their way. Those kids were fearless (almost) and I envied them.

I have a lot of fears.

Fear of water

I fear any body of water that is taller than my shoulders. I can not swim and have had two almost-drowning experiences as a kid.



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I remember trying the banana boat ride years ago in Puerto Galera with friends. When we got thrown off, I honestly thought I was going to drown even though I had a life jacket on. I will never do a banana boat ride again.

Another scary water experience for me is my trip to Balicasag Island in Bohol with two of my best girl friends. The wading from the shore to where the small boat was anchored alone brought fear to my heart. Then we were speeding through high waves, salt water stinging our eyes and I never prayed so hard for safety. It is one adventure I will never forget and regret.

Fear of open space heights

I remember when we were kids, my siblings, cousins and I would climb this tall tower in the capitol of our province. We would race up the winding stairs until we reach the top. The view was spectacular but I was almost always the last one to reach the top because my knees turn to jelly whenever I look down. I am still afraid of open space heights like the long escalators in Ocean Park and a mall in Hongkong where my husband and I went to during our first wedding anniversary. I clung on to him tightly for dear life and begged him that we take the elevator going down instead. I did manage to go up with him in the Singapore flyer which is the tallest ferris wheel in the world at 42 stories high. Maybe the glass confines made all the difference.

Fear of the dark

I used to sleep with the lights on because I was afraid of the dark. In fact, I am afraid to sleep alone in my room. This fear probably stemmed from a gruesome incident I witnessed when I was a child. There was an accident near our home and we were intrigued so we went to take a look. We saw lots of blood, spilled brains and amputated body parts. For weeks I had nightmares of dead bodies and nurses. I slept with my parents in their room for a while.

Fear of getting lost

I don't have a sense of direction. That's why I don't drive. I get lost walking. I would surely get lost (or a lot of tickets) driving.

I still feel embarrassed that I got lost one day on my way home in the small city of Dublin. I took a detour from my usual route because I was craving for fried chicken that day. After buying my fill, I confidently went on my way only to wonder minutes later why the area doesn't seem familiar to me anymore. I got lost, walking! Thank God for unlimited calls, my best friend helped me get home. I swear I almost cried from the sheer stupidity.

Fear of public speaking

This is a fear that stemmed from a humiliating experience and my small voice. I managed to get high grades while dodging recitations. My heart would beat so hard and the butterflies in my stomach would wreak havoc at the thought of talking in front of a group of people. Even teleconferences alone can make my heart go a-thumping. So most of the time, I just stay silent and unnoticeable. This is a fear that's keeping me from reaching and showing my maximum potential. I have not completely addressed this but I swear that I am going to face this fear head on from this day forward.

I believe we should not be limited by our fears and the other life sentences we have branded ourselves with. The one thing I love about turning 30 is that I now care less about what other people has to say. My life is no longer about what people would think but what would make me happy and fulfilled. I feel liberated.



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